If that baby had not been lost to miscarriage and had been born to breath oxygen on its own....that baby would now be a two-year old toddler (somewhere around now anyways).
I decided (with Marc's full support) to have a very small and intimate "Celebration of Life" at our home last night.
Some might be saying right now -- a) "Sarah, get over it...you have Luke." OR b) "That's corny."
You see, I am over it mostly. But, I do still occasionally wonder if that baby would have been a boy or a girl. Or, what would that baby's personality have been like? Would he or she been at all like Luke? What would that baby grow up to be?
But mostly, in going through the process of a miscarriage (both physically and emotionally), I have discovered that miscarriage is something that is almost "taboo" in our society. We don't talk about it much. I think too many people think that sadness ends over a miscarriage quickly because "it's never a baby you met."
When Marc and went through the miscarriage, we had A LOT of support....mostly from our Sunday School class at church as well as some distant (geographically speaking) friends. People brought us meals when I was unable to cook since I was recovering from a surgery (and brief hospitalization). Several women called me just to see how I was doing. People sent cards. A few visiting me at the hospital. Some sent flowers.
Then, after I was physically recovered, the hard part started....
People didn't want to say anything to me out of fear of upsetting me(at least that's what I think)....People thought I was doing better....People said things to me like,
"All women have to just get a miscarriage out of the way." (Well, we know that's not true because not ALL women have miscarriages. And, what about the fathers in that statement? Apparently, they don't exist).
And, after about 6 weeks or so, the miscarriage was rarely mentioned to me again....
But, time does help bring joy back....I did get better.
And now, a little over a year and a half after the actual miscarriage and at the point of that baby "would've been two years old now," I can honestly, truly, from the depths of my heart say "Thanks" to God for that baby and for what happened.
1) I truly believe we would not have Luke had it not been for the miscarriage. When my doctor was conducting surgery on me, he did discover some problems with me that were fixable. Those problems ultimately did help with some infertility problems we had been having (but I won't go into details on this blog, BUT I am willing to talk about them on the phone or in person if somebody wants to know).
2) I discovered a level of compassion that I don't think I had before the miscarriage. My compassion level was NOT at an absolute ZERO before the miscarriage, but it's certainly increased now. I come to tears a lot easier now because of others' hurts in this world. I think I used to be somewhat "cold." I could blame the job I had, but it wasn't just that.
Without getting too much more wordy on this post -- I want to also say that the MAIN reason we had this "Celebration of Life" last night was because life is worth celebrating. If we claim to be pro-life (which, in our opinion, there is no other option), then we should be celebrating life -- no matter how small it is. Life DOES begin at conception, and so, why would we not celebrate the brief life that was inside of me?
With all of that in mind, I did make cupcakes yesterday -- some pink and blue cupcakes because we don't know if the baby lost was a boy or a girl (actually, my blue cupcakes ended up green because I didn't use enough food coloring).
(My "Cupcakes Upon Completion" photo didn't look great -- so, I'll spare this blog that photo).
I also spent some time last night reading Psalm 139. If you've never read it and really studied it and prayed it, I encourage you to do so. If you DO NOT have access to a Bible, please leave me a comment with an e-mail address. I will get in touch with you about that. I'd love to help get one to you.
And finally, let me say one more thing -- if I may.
I do realize that many couples go through multiple miscarriages in an attempt to carry a baby to term. And, we realize some never are able to carry a baby to term. I certainly don't want to leave any of those couples out. We happen to know one of them -- and they may be reading this blog.
Please know that miscarriage is VERY dear to mine and Marc's hearts. While I wish I could tell you every medical reason why miscarriages happen and miraculously give you the piece of advice that works, I am just certainly not that knowledgeable, and many times, medical personnel don't know either. Just know that Marc and I are praying for you guys.
11 comments:
*HUGS* :)
hey far-away friend,
i love your post...i'm really sorry that it all had to happen to you...but i love your honesty and your thoughts...and that you shared what you did with your blogging friends...
how do you feel about exchanging email addresses? :)
lots of thoughts floating around in my heart and mind and i'm not sure i want to share it "with the world" :)
let me know and we can exchange...ok? :)
Sarah, I think this is so sweet of you.
I suffered 3 miscarriages, each in the 2nd trimester. It was a horrible time. And like you, my understanding of other people's feelings when they go through it now, is much greater.
I've been thinking about the twins I lost a little over 3 years ago quite a lot recently. Don't know why. I do know a miscarriage is something you never forget. At least I'll never forget the babies I'll meet in heaven one day.
My husband and I have not been able to have children and gone through the emotional and physical pain of infertility treatments. Your comments are very real. May god always bless you and your family. PS) Luke is a cutie pie.
We had 2 and possibly 3. Jill would not have been born had we carried to term. We look forward to meeting them in heaven too some day!
Great words. I had a miscarriage in between my middle two. It was so much more difficult than I ever thought it would be. Our baby was due around my dad's birthday and my sis-in-law was expecting their third a couple weeks after ours was to be born. We had talked about how much fun it would be to have cousins so close together. I still look at my nephew, who is now coming up on his 7th birthday, and wonder what our child would be like now. But God is good! And some day I will see that precious baby in heaven.
Thanks for your transparency here. I didn't have a miscarriage, but my sis and my mom both did. I know that each of our babies is very real to us mothers, and our mother's hearts break when our arms end up empty.
God bless you and keep you. The road we walk is always a teaching tool for our Father, and he IS good.
God bless you and your precious family!
Hugs...
Oh Sarah... know that you and Marc are in my prayers... I know it is not far in the past for you guys. {hugz} What a lovely thing to do, to celebrate the life! No matter what anyone says, those babies ARE babies, and we carried them, loved them, and wanted them...
Yes, I had a miscarriage all those years ago... I lost a girl. {I did not have any type of support system all those years ago, and so I, too, have a very soft spot for those who go through things like this.} But 3 months after the miscarriage, I was pregnant with my second son, who is now 28 yrs old... and I believe I would not have my son if not for the loss of my baby girl before she could enter the world, for whatever reason God decided for her to live with Him. I will see her in Heaven someday.
Looks like Marc thought the cupcakes were delicious regardless! ;)
{hugz} and prayers! ♥
I'm just getting caught up on reading of posts from last weeks blogs.....not sure if you go back this far to check on comments or not. But I'm leaving one anyway!
Glad you had the celebration. I unfortunately know what it feels like and now have 3 dates of our own to "celebrate". I will never understand the how comes, but I am also thankful as we would not be the parents of Zach and Taylor if things had worked out differently. And I just absolutely LOVE being their mom! With our most recent loss only being about a month ago, I don't know what God has in store for us but I'm sure it's something!
Thanks again for the post....Dannon
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