Nuts (as in mentally), Depressing, Blah, Blah, Blah....

I obviously haven't posted in awhile, and I have once again failed in my promise to deliver specific blog posts. But, here's a post for you. WARNING: It will contain ZERO pics. It will be possibly depressing to you. BUT, if you hang through it, there will be a bit of good news at the end of this post. I wasn't originally going to make this public because a) I don't want pity and b) I don't want advice. BUT, to prevent myself from going nuts (henceforth the title of this post) and to possibly avoid any looming depression, I'm going to start typing. I think this might be my "out." AND, some of you who are my very close friends have not yet heard this. I truly have been quiet the last couple of weeks. Don't take offense. I was merely on guard from previously mentioned things (pity, advice) Here goes.... Some of you may remember almost 4 years ago (at the end of my pregnancy with Luke) that I had a bit of high blood pressure for the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy. It was never "dangerously" high. I had no other symptoms. It was cautionary. I was put on restricted activity. I ultimately was induced at a little over 38 weeks. Luke's been fine since birth :) My blood pressure immediately returned to normal once he was out. When I got pregnant with this child, it was most certainly in the back of my mind -- the high blood pressure. But, everything was going fine. In my mind, I was thinking that this time would be different because I wasn't working....not as nervous about delivery, etc. etc. etc. I was W.R.O.N.G.... The day after Mother's Day, May 14, I had a routine prenatal doctor's appointment. I thought everything was fine. I felt good -- other than being hot (NOT at all unusual for pregnancy). Yep, if you haven't figured it out yet, my blood pressure was elevated. After the normal appointment, the nurse came in again and took it again. Yep, it was still elevated. Like with Luke, it wasn't dangerously high, but it was elevated nonetheless. However, this time, I was only a little over 32 weeks along (with Luke -- it was 35 weeks). My initial reaction contained some tears. Fortunately, I was able to hold off on all out crying until I got to the car and called Marc. SO, for the last two weeks, I've been on restricted activity -- with an almost 4 year-old -- NOT exactly easy. I've been monitoring my blood pressure several times a day at home. Fortunately, here at home, in the air-conditioning, while doing VERY little, my blood pressure has stayed normal. If I do too much or spend too much time in the heat, it does go up. SO, inside the house I am -- again, with an almost 4 year-old. Luke's been an excellent little TROOPER. Other than showing some signs of boredom, his behavior has been awesome. Admittedly, he's been watching more videos than I would ordinarily let him (he doesn't complain about this one). I've had 5, yes 5, doctor's appointments since then -- including the one right after Mother's Day. Honestly, I believe I'm being a bit over-doctored; however, I know they ultimately have my best interest (and the baby's) in mind. My dad's been awesome in that he's driven to Newton several times to watch Luke for me. Another good friend took Luke during another appointment. And, one of our favorite teenage baby-sitters, J, has been here twice, and she'll be here again next week for yet another appointment. LOGICALLY, I know that there are WAY WORSE pregnancy (and life, in general) problems to have. While this could potentially be serious, we're not there yet. I'm obviously being watched closely. LOGICALLY, I know that once this baby's here, I will forget all of this (much like I have with my pregnancy with Luke). We'll love this baby and move on with our lives. However, with all logic aside, my feelings are getting the best of me. I'm a MESS. I'm not fun to be around. I'm perhaps in one of the foulest moods of my life. I'm filled with self-pity. I'm hoping in my mind that the almost depression I'm feeling now will ward off any potential post-partum blues or depression. I feel incredibly let down by my body -- in other words, why can't I just gestate and give birth to two kids like a normal woman? Marc and I have already previously decided that this child would be it for us (for various personal reasons of which I won't go into publically). BUT, this little blood pressure situation (second time around) has CONFIRMED the decision that this will be my last pregnancy. While it makes me a little sad to say it, I know that this has to be it. I am NOT one of those women who can easily birth many children. To top it all off, what few times I have been in public (in the last two weeks), nearly always, somebody I don't know comes up to me and says, "You look like you could give birth anytime." (or something like that).... Thanks! I'm short...there's no place for this baby to go but out... I'm thankful I haven't been rude to any of these people (I'm surprised I haven't). That wouldn't exactly display a good Christian attitude (though I'm not sure this blog post is displaying it either).... I'm currently at 34 weeks today. My doctor's goal is to get me to 37 or 38 weeks. My personal goal is 36 or 37 weeks. Again, LOGICALLY, I know that the longer the baby is inside, the better. The baby will breathe better, feed better, and maintain temperature better if she's in there longer. BUT, mentally, I'm not sure I can make it to 37 weeks. We'll see.... It will be a scheduled C-Section since Luke was born that way. As of right now, we don't have a date scheduled. They're (the medical team) is taking it appointment by appointment. The few people that we have mentioned this to (before I decided to make this public with this blog post) have said, "If you need anything, please let us know." Honestly, there's not much right now. I am able to fix meals. My house is a total pit, but I can do the basics (laundry, dishes, etc)...Marc has, for the most part, finished the nursery. The main thing we could possibly need (and so far, we've figured it out) is somebody to take Luke when I have these 5.5 billion doctor's appointment. I'd rather he not go with me though if I did have to take him, he'd probably do fine. NOW, to the good news....if you're not depressed and tired of reading.... I did have a sonogram yesterday -- just to double check the baby's condition. The good news is that the baby is absolutely fine and is growing properly (no problems with the placenta -- which can happen with high blood pressure). I asked the tech (after about 5 minutes) to tell me if she saw ANY evidence that this baby could be a boy (we were told a girl at 20 weeks -- we've been planning on girl). She laughed and said, "Oh, I already saw....it's a girl." After a bit, the baby moved in the right position for her to once again show me that it was indeed a girl. If it was a boy, we would love him just the same. Marc would be simply repainting a nursery -- which I know he would just love to do (insert sarcasm here). SOOOOOOOO, since we revealed Luke's name before he was born....here's to revealing this baby's name.... **Kate Christine Friesen** Our friend Nicole actually came up with Kate....we've had no problem liking it. The middle name has taken a bit. Everything Marc suggested, I couldn't get myself to really like. Everything I suggested, Marc couldn't get himself to like. Some of the girls in our small group asked me what my middle name was. I responded, "Christine." They suggested we use that. At first, in fact, for several days, I didn't even mention it to Marc. Though I liked the sound of it, I just couldn't wrap my head around having part of our daughter's name from me. Perhaps it was a self-confidence issue? Finally, I mentioned the idea to Marc. He liked it. By that time, I had started to like it. Ultimately, we agreed on it. Thanks for listening!!!!! I feel a bit better -- though I'll probably cry yet tonight :)